


There's No Shame In Chosing Happiness (Be Honest)

by jeolmeoniji



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Happy Ending, Happy Valentine's Day!!, Love Letters, M/M, Oh also, Texting, a bit of angst because changkyun is a bit emo, a bit of tears because dramarama, are you ready for sunshine!jooheon, developing feelings, those tags are a mess but what's new
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 10:26:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13679820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeolmeoniji/pseuds/jeolmeoniji
Summary: Jooheon is the one who initiates the conversation with Changkyun first. He makes it look so casual, an attitude Changkyun can only dream of and still finds almost unbelievable – wait, youcantalk to people so easily? Wow, humans are so full of surprise.





	There's No Shame In Chosing Happiness (Be Honest)

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day with Jookyun <3 (i needed to make this tag live)
> 
> I promised myself i'd post something to celebrate today. I couldn't finish writing the entire story tho (it's my exam week), so this is only the first part, but the second part will be out soon! (in a week max)
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this, thank you :) ♥

Changkyun's always been a bit shy; his parents would say it's a bit of their fault, since they moved from Korea to Boston to Israel to Korea again, during their son's childhood. Guess that always changing countries, classmates, languages, has disoriented and made Changkyun more introvert. It's hard to open up to other kids, having this hazard of leaving whenever above his head, because for a child, time is an unknown concept and everything seems too long and too short. Changkyun barely remembers with whom he's been friend in America, if he even played a lot with kids in Israel. Chubby faces blurring and superposing with others, to the point that it confuses him more than anything else. No point in sharing friendship if at the end, nothing is kept in his mind.

 

By the time they went back to Korea to fully settle there, Changkyun's personality already developed enough for his shyness to be a permanent trait of his character. Changkyun's quiet, but he still opened up to some people through middle school and mostly highschool. He was old enough to value a friendship and remember people and he also felt like he needed someone by his side. Though, he thought that one or two people in his life is enough.

 

By the time he reaches university, he still really doesn't like to talk to people he doesn't know – Minhyuk would say,  _that's the whole point of talking to unknown people: to know them!_  His two bestest of friends, the only ones he manages to be really comfortable with and with whom he can talk about everything, are Hyungwon and Minhyuk. Changkyun is younger than them, because guess that being shy also is an opportunity for him to do better in school, and he's always been a grade higher than his age.

 

College is that life-changing period of time, where you discover what you want to do in the future, find your true love and spend all your week-ends at crazy parties where everyone is nice and also drunk. In fact, so far, Changkyun's college experience results in the following conclusion: he misses his mom's homemade dishes after Minhyuk served them overcooked ramens four times in a row.

 

And also, finding your true love, what a joke. So far, Changkyun has made three acquaintances through all his classes, and it's already such an achievement for him, because he's always thought Hyungwon and Minhyuk are the only friends he needs – even if they don't think so and wants him to meet new people. He can't help his personality, ok, he has already resigned himself to never be the flirty type of guy, easing everyone in a conversation and charming them and then making out a little.

 

Maybe by the time he's fifty, he'll find the right person. Right now, he's more focused on not passing out because of his papers that don't even have the decency to write themselves without his help. College is a huge lie.

 

“I totally know what you're thinking right now,” Minhyuk chirps, sitting opposite of him at the kitchen table. “ _College is a lie_ , right?”

“A  _huge_  lie. I mean, no one ever mentioned that papers still are the hardest shit to do on earth,” Changkyun groans, looking at his document open on his laptop as if it has offended his whole family. Surely it has.

“You'll get a good grade as always anyway,” Hyungwon comments, turning a page of a magazine he's reading.

“After how many hours of suffering!” Changkyun dramatically exclaims, and then he arbors his usual pout. “Who said that college is totally different, since you finally study something you like? I'm sorry, I like music and chemistry, and I may be a brat not understanding how lucky I am to have the opportunity to go to college, but going to class isn't the funniest thing to do and I've questioned my life decisions more in four months of college than I did in three years of highschool.”

“I find college just fine,” Minhyuk says absentmindedly, writing down stuff on a paper.

“It's because you go out a lot.”

“If you were just less  _shy_  you would do the same and enjoy it too.”

 

The comment stings, and Changkyun winces.

 

“I don't want to force myself into doing something that I tried and didn't enjoy much,” he replies, remembering the two times he went out. Not that exhilarating memories.

“Yet you always whine because you feel alone and how it would be nice to be in a relationship, but you never go out and try to talk to someone new.”

 

Changkyun frowns, and intensely looks at a sticker he stamped on his laptop. Mechanically, he raises his finger and scratches it a bit.

 

“We are  _not_ having this conversation,” he mutters, his mood suddenly worse than when he only had to care about a paper. He isn't up to stand Minhyuk's nagging. It's not always his best friend is upset because of how he acts, but who cares if Changkyun talks less and doesn't like loud parties. Why does it seem like it's always so much easier for the bright and extrovert people?

 

“Minhyuk...,” Hyungwon warns, eyeing his two friends, worried.

“Hmpf,” Minhyuk only replies.

“I'm going to my room,” Changkyun finally says, taking his laptop with him. Nice, now he's annoyed.

 

He hears some angry whispering in the kitchen after he leaves, but he doesn't care and sulks in his bed while watching again performances of Mino on  _Show me the money_. He's pissed at Minhyuk, and he wants him to know. He doesn't care if Minhyuk is pissed at him, too.

 

It happens from time to time that Minhyuk and Changkyun clash like that. They do have different personalities, and it's partly thanks to Minhyuk's outgoing nature that Changkyun became his best friend. If Minhyuk didn't have talked and included Changkyun in conversations or activities during middle school, Changkyun wouldn't have learned more about him and they wouldn't be the confidants they are now.

 

Hyungwon's quiet personality balances Minhyuk, and puts Changkyun at ease as well. The tall and handsome guy isn't shy like Changkyun, though, and he's not scared of talking to unknown people or of any out of the way situations that can stress Changkyun. The latter internally thinks that Hyungwon's quiet confidence comes from how good he looks – it sure helps when people values you with only one glance, because you're handsome. Changkyun sometimes wonders how nice it would feel, to be at ease like his two friends. He sometimes envies them. But most of all, he loves them a lot, because they are his best friends, and they love him too. They spent so many years together and know a lot about each other, and there's always this feeling of home and happiness when he's with them.

 

Minhyuk can be noisy, though. They all have their weaknesses, and that's the one that annoys Changkyun the most when it's directed at him. It feels like Minhyuk wants to control his life and judges that there's only one way to enjoy something. He often can't see Changkyun's point, hence how they clash sometimes.

 

Changkyun knows his weaknesses, too; it's hard to acknowledge them. He tends to play like the victim and reject the fault on the others, when things don't go his way. It's easier to accuse others instead of his own lacking. He tries to work on that, but he's not always aware of how he acts. Hyungwon's here to quietly help him change his behaviour – Minhyuk's more straightforward most of the time.

 

It's only a little before dinner time that Changkyun hears knocking on his door. He hums, still focused on his laptop screen, and Minhyuk's head appears, the door not fully open. He looks hesitant, a little pout on his face.

 

“Food is ready, Changkyun.”

“Hm.”

 

Changkyun never likes how their little fights create that kind of atmosphere between the two of them. It scares him, yet he doesn't say anything and acts oblivious, because he doesn't know what is right to say.

 

Minhyuk is the first to do something about it, though – because he hates it as much as Changkyun, and sometimes the hyung needs to take the responsabilities for both their sake.

 

“I'm sorry about what I said earlier, Kyunie. I know that even if it's nothing for me, it's not the same for you and it can be hard.”

 

Changkyun finally looks at Minhyuk in the eyes, and he nips at his lower lip. Still silent, he opens his arms and tilts his head to the right, inviting Minhyuk in a hug, which of course he doesn't deny. Minhyuk always looks like a puppy when he's given attention and affection, and this time isn't an exception. Changkyun already feels lighter when Minhyuk hugs him and burrows his nose in his hair. It feels like the best place in the world.

 

Because he also needs to apologize, he whispers after a few minutes of this delightful hug:

 

“It's just that I don't know what to do to change my behaviour towards that without feeling anxious. But I'm sorry I was too whiny lately, it wasn't necessary at all. I should have noticed it was becoming annoying.”

 

Minhyuk hugs him tighter.

 

“Just go with your own pace, it's okay. And we're always here for you you know.”

 

Changkyun knows, and he's grateful.

 

“You both will be the end of me one day,” Hyungwon sighs, leaning against the doorframe, but he also arbors a little smile, relieved, and the mood is better already.

“Come on, Wonnie! We need a hug with us three!”

 

He rolls his eyes, but gladly joins.

 

 

>>\---♥--->

 

 

Jooheon is the one who initiates the conversation with Changkyun first. He makes it look so casual, an attitude Changkyun can only dream of and still finds almost unbelievable – wait, you  _can_  talk to people so easily? Wow, humans are so full of surprise.

 

Changkyun remembers that on his first modern music history class, he's already signed up for being the lonely and quiet student who takes his notes diligently and answers questions. It's not like he thinks he'll try to talk to those sitting beside him, are you insane, interacting with unknown people, ew, gross, you might catch a friend, bwah –  _you may stop hiding behind those sarcastic comments that you only use to ignore your fear of the unknown_ , Hyungwon would say. (Yeah, Hyungwon is that observant bitch.)

 

But fate has prepared something different for Changkyun on that day. Since the class isn't that big, the lecturer has made them introduce themselves one by one, and they have to say something personal so they'd know each other better and blah blah. Changkyun prays so hard to suddenly become one of his best friends and not screw up his first words to all those new students, but alas, trading bodies isn't trendy yet, and with eyes full of fear, he waits for his turn, still fully aware of being himself – and that means being awkward and self-conscious. Of course, they  _have_  to stand up to talk. Changkyun doesn't even know what he would say, so when his turn arrives, it's lame.

 

_I panicked_ , he explains later to Minhyuk and Hyungwon.

 

“Hello, my name's Changkyun and I– I–  _I can speak English quite well_ ,” he mumbles and miserably finished indeed in English instead of Korean.

 

At that right moment, Changkyun has wanted to press the stop button and have a serious talk with his brain, because, first of all, what the fuck. And second of all, what the fucking fuck.

 

No one seems to notice Changkyun's internal self-immolation – some students even look impressed, and Changkyun thinks it's the best joke ever, because why would anyone be impressed with the awkwardest human on earth in front of them. Yet, the lecturer even asks him that he indeed got a good accent, and oh, why so? So Changkyun tries to cut his childhood story short, doesn't mention that the constant change of countries made him become the actual lost human being he is, and just says “I lived in Boston when I was younger,” and luckily the next person has to introduce themselves and Changkyun isn't under the spotlight anymore.

 

With a sigh of relief, he has sat down. And that's when he's noticed the stare of one of the student on him. Not like Changkyun is the kind of person to look back, or to say hi with a nod once eye contact is made, or even to  _offer a smile_ , so he panics, and lowers his head as if it would make himself disappear. Hey, let him wish all he wants.

 

Changkyun doesn't remember anything that is said on this first class after all their introductions. He remembers he gathers his stuff quickly in his bag and is the first to walk to the door – to avoid the rush of the students exiting like him, or maybe to avoid being dragged in a conversation, what a nightmare it would be, needing to have small talk, bwah – and releases a sigh when he's alone in the hallway. But he's made five steps when the door behind him opens again a bit forcefully, and he hears someone call his name.

 

“Wait, Changkyun!”

 

Changkyun takes two more steps to realize he's been the one called, because usually it doesn't happen. But even if he's awkward, he doesn't want to ignore people and seem rude, so he does his best and turns.

 

There, reaching for him through the hallway, is the guy who was looking at him a bit after his own introduction, and who later introduced himself as Jooheon and who said he liked Mino and tried to compose songs himself – which is, for sake of better words,  _freaking awesome_ , to Changkyun's opinion. (That's why he also directly thinks that Jooheon is a king next to him, poor peasant, and that he would never talk to someone as cool as him.)

 

But Changkyun never expected an apparently cool guy like Jooheon to willingly come talk to him – and to  _remember his name_ , for fuck's sake. Changkyun isn't the type of person people remembers the name of, is he?

 

Changkyun awkwardly stands still and waits for Jooheon to say something – did he do something wrong?

 

But Jooheon smiles widely when they finally are closer, face to face, and Changkyun also realizes that the world isn't fair since Jooheon is really pretty with his dimple and sparkling eyes, on top of being freaking awesome with his self-composed songs.

 

“Your introduction before... You spoke English, it was, like,  _freaking awesome_ , dude. Your accent is so on point.”

 

One needs to know that Changkyun has no idea how to take a compliment. That's why he barely manages to utter an eloquent “huh”, his mouth agape like one's of a fish,  _and here goes all your chances, well done, Changkyun, as sexy as ever_.

 

Honestly, Changkyun already sees from there Jooheon thinking  _why did I even try to talk to this weirdo_ , and he wouldn't be offended – okay, maybe he'd be a bit sad – if he leaves with an awkward smile that means  _good luck in your life if you're always like this, man_. Changkyun's used to it. Or maybe he's used to imagine that everyone will think of him that way, and even the slightest possibility of this happening had stopped him countless time to try to strike a conversation. That's a shitty way to go on with his life, he knows, it's a quite huge handicap, but  _obviously_  Changkyun's mind loves to boost his self-confidence.

 

But to his surprise, Jooheon doesn't seem fazed at all by Changkyun's obvious lack of sociability, and instead, offers him a blinding smile that purifies Changkyun's whole existence. Why is there such an angel in his class?

 

“You lived in Boston, that's what you said? It looks so cool.”

“Yes, hm, huh... I don't remember a lot from that time though,” Changkyun awkwardly replies, because what if Jooheon just wants to get some information about Boston? Changkyun isn't able to tell him that much, he was a child when he was there, and he doesn't want to disappoint. At the same time, if Jooheon only accosted him for this, and decides to leave him alone realizing Changkyun isn't of a big help, it would honestly hurt him. Ah, wait, he's losing himself in his thoughts again, creating a depressing scenario to cope with whatever the reality will be, right? Fuck, he can hears Hyungwon's psychological analyse from here.

 

“You remember enough to still have a perfect accent,” Jooheon casually says, and why does everything with him seems so easy, simple and smooth? Is that the feeling of being able to get a conversation flowing normally?

“Thank you,” Changkyun says, because he's still polite despite being awfully awkward.

“So, what major are you in? Oh, by the way, I'm not keeping you up, right? You kinda left fast, maybe you have an other class? I'm sorry!”

“No, no, it's fine! I, I finished classes for today. I, hm, I'm majoring in chemistry, but I've always liked music so I took the opportunity in college to get it as my elective.”

 

Huh. Does Jooheon even care about why he takes this class? And can he like, stop stuttering? Changkyun is hopeless, oh my god.

 

“Really, chemistry? That's some hard stuff, man, you must be clever.”

“Not necessarily. … Wha– what's your major?”

 

He manages to ask a question back! Changkyun is on roll today! Interacting with new people! Wow! Minhyuk is shedding some tears in the background!

 

“I'm majoring in music. It's cool to see other majors in modern music history class, you know. That way, you can know people you wouldn't come across in your core course, it's more exciting!”

 

Changkyun is baffled by someone with such an optimistic point of view. He himself only thought of how awkward it would be, to be a science student lost in a see of art students, yet here Jooheon is, looking really pleased to talk with him and to learn that they have different majors.

 

It doesn't look that much awkward anymore.

 

 

>>\---♥--->

 

 

Days come and go, the first finals week of Changkyun's life seems endless and is the reason of 110% of the pimples splattered on his cheeks, and after a break that honestly lasts 0.2 second, Changkyun's back at the flat he shares with his best friends to attack the second semester. With less energy than his first one, that is.

 

Classes begin again, the routine settles, and Changkyun sees again the few people he knows there.

 

The three acquaintances Changkyun's made so far in college are:

 

1\. Kihyun. He shares a lab with him twice per week. He's also the one who got into a big – and so dumb that Changkyun can't remember what it was about – argument the first time he met Minhyuk when he came to fetch Changkyun after his class. That day, Changkyun couldn't say anything and only stared, half fascinated and half worried, how the both of them threw facts after insults, and yet parted ways when at the entrance of the building as if nothing had happened. Until this day, Changkyun still doesn't know why they seem so enthusiastically pissed at each other, while still being willing to talk. And most of all, it's pretty captivating, how they still both are alive even if they look like they plot one and a million ways to murder each other when there's an opportunity. All in all, Kihyun is still nice, even if he nags a lot in class, and maybe it's because Changkyun seems to be the only one to bear his constant remarks that he's paired up with him for lab.

 

2\. Hoseok. He's in calculus with him. The only reason why they talk to each other is because Hoseok was late the first day, and he had to sit next to Changkyun. Then, he had struggled with some stuff the lecturer was saying and Changkyun had helped him. The next week, Hoseok plopped down next to him again, offered him a smile and an energy bar, and they kinda became calculus buddies. What's funny is that Hyungwon knows him too, because they apparently shares a literature class together. The world is small, right.

 

Changkyun feels guilty to still think of them as acquaintances. They are funny, kind with his awkward ass, and always sit with him in their shared classes, team up with him when there's a group project. They are the reason why Changkyun still has a bit of faith in humanity.

 

At the same time, they don't see each other if it's not for a reason related to class. They share bit and pieces of their hobbies and details of their life, but Changkyun can't remember a time he went to drink coffee with Kihyun on a relaxing Saturday just because, nor has he ever gone to the gym with Hoseok. (The guy seems to live there, with the amount of passion he talks about treadmills – like,  _treadmills_ , the thing Satan created to make people suffer and spit out their lungs. But Changkyun's not judging, and will never be, because did you  _look_ at Hoseok's body? Maybe he should do some sacrificial offering to thank whichever divinity allowed Hoseok to look this good. Blessing for the eyes, really.)

 

It's the obvious fact that they wouldn't spend time with each other if they weren't sharing a class, that stops Changkyun to actually call them his  _friends_. He would like to, though, to know them better, to stroll in the mall and watch movies, like he does with Hyungwon and Minhyuk. But he just never really thinks of asking, and once he's home with his best friends, he does plans with them instead.

 

It's a bit different with Jooheon, though. Last but not least of the list:

 

3\. Jooheon. He's really the one Changkyun feels the more comfortable with. It's mostly due to his cheerful personality. He always seems interested with everything, and Changkyun honestly likes the attention; it helps him opening a bit more, because he usually assumes that what he wants to say will annoy or bore others. Having a positive reaction gives him more confidence and shuts a bit his anxious self. It feels like a breeze of fresh air, to talk freely during group work in class. Jooheon happens to share stuff in common with Changkyun, like how much they like Mino. Some times, they chat more than they listen to their class, but never really disturb it nor get caught.

 

It happened once that they stayed together at the cafeteria to watch some rap performances on Jooheon's laptop, before Changkyun had to go for an additional class. It's a fond memory Changkyun has, even if it can seem pretty mundane. But for him, since it's not something usual in his uneventful life, it means something  _more_.

 

The new semester, while basically looking the same as the previous one because classes are obligatory – damn, can someone eradicate this from earth pretty please –, still shows its share of little changes. All in the first week, Minhyuk and Hyungwon finally meets Jooheon, Kihyun happens to have the same lunch break as Changkyun on their lab's days, and Hyungwon brings Hoseok to the coffee shop in addition to his two best friends. They all mingle with each other a few days a week, and soon enough, they all are sharing a table in the cafeteria one afternoon, chatting like old friends, laughing – and pestering each other in Kihyun and Minhyuk's case.

 

At one point, Changkyun doesn't say anything and just looks at each one of them, how they seem happy and at ease together, and a warm feeling spreads through his body. He wouldn't trade it for anything. Being part of a group has never felt this nice. Their dynamic is surprisingly good.

 

He catches Jooheon's curious stare, and smiles to show him nothing's wrong. In fact, everything's fine, really. And it feels even better when Jooheon smiles back at him, his dimple proudly on display and his effervescent eyes disappearing in little cute crescents moon.

 

 

>>\---♥--->

 

 

“Do they really need to hang banner ads everywhere for Valentine's Day, in  _mid-January_? I mean, they barely removed Christmas and New Year's illuminations, and big red hearts are already taking the place of snowmen and Santa.”

 

Jooheon lets out a big sigh, eyes rolling while saying this. Changkyun only scoffs a bit, because his face looks funny – and a little bit cute, too – but doesn't reply anything.

 

“We get it, okay, Valentine's Day is next month, but it totally kills the vibe, all those commercial strategies. And, seriously? Ads for  _dishwashers_? Where's the romance in this?”

 

They have an hour break before their music class, and they are currently sitting at the bay window of a café nearby university. Snow is melting on the asphalt, the sky is grey, but the illuminated storefronts following the streets cheer up the atmosphere. There's significantly less people strolling outside, compared to end-of-the-year holidays; the hype of those lazy and festive days is over, and everyone's a bit grunchy about it – Changkyun's one of them.

 

But life continues, business is business, students have to go to classes and employees to work. Valentine's Day is the next big holiday coming up, even if it's in a bit less than a month, and advertising teams threw all their focus on it. It's a big festival of red, pink, white, cotton, candy floss hearts, expensive jewelleries and extravagant flower bouquets. Some ads are clearly ridiculous, as if they tried so hard to link their product to the day of love. It doesn't work for everything. Valentine's puns are also out, and the usual “I like you a latte” cafés use are next to the “You've stolen a pizza my heart” from the cheap pizza parlors students appreciate so much.

 

“I really don't approve all this,” Jooheon finally huffs.

 

Changkyun is a bit surprised that he rejects Valentine's Day with so much force. Noticing his puzzle stare, Jooheon quickly ads to justify himself:

 

“It just seems so fake and forced.”

 

Changkyun hums, understanding that point. But his shojo lover heart wants to give credits to Valentine's Day – after all, he  _did_  read the entirety of Hana Yori Dango, 37 volumes, and watched the two drama seasons and the movie countless time; Matsumoto Jun and Oguri Shun basically own his heart.

 

“If you forget all those ridiculous ads trying to make you buy questionable stuff, I think Valentine's Day is still a nice holiday. It celebrates love, and it's legit enough, it's a noble feeling, right? Like, it can seem overdue and so overrated, but man, the feeling of two people loving each other deeply... I don't know, to me it seems a bit surreal, yet really endearing. Like you want to be in the same shoes as those lucky people having a love life. Really, how does it feel to create such deep emotions in someone else, just by being yourself? In a healthy relationship, that is...”

 

Changkyun mumbles and doesn't quite realize that his reply begins to resemble an essay. He catches Jooheon's focused stare on him, and begins to be self-conscious about what he's saying. Is it weird? He shouldn't feel burdened to voice his opinion to his friend, should he? He just felt like he should give more credit to Valentine's Day, and intellectualise it, despite how clumsy his words are. It's not because they are talking about  _love_  that it's automatically dumb, right?

 

“I-It doesn't mean that if you're single you are a loser. Self love is important too? Anyway, being in a relationship isn't a life goal. People can be happy without that kind of stuff too! It's, hm–”

 

At that point, it doesn't really mean anything new, but he's suddenly embarrassed for carrying out. Love is such a weird concept that fascinates Changkyun a lot, and he can't lie that he hasn't think about it more than a few times. Trying to understand it, how it influences life and people, what importance it has, in his life and in others'. He doesn't really know what it is, per se, so he can only theorize.

 

(He tries to ignore the ugly dark feeling wriggling in his stomach.  _Be positive. Be mature._ )

 

“I see your point, Changkyun,” Jooheon smiles.

 

And it's such a relief, that his friend doesn't laugh, that he nods and looks at him seriously, without a hint of pity or mockery. A warm feeling settles in his stomach, shoving away his uneasiness, and he replies with a smile on his own, more shy but really grateful.

 

 

>>\---♥--->

 

 

Valentine’s Day happens to be a day where Jooheon and Changkyun don’t share a music class. It’s even a day in the week Jooheon rarely sees Changkyun, because he runs from a class to another and their respective breaks aren’t the same.

 

On this special day, Jooheon is thinking of Changkyun more than usual. He can confess that Changkyun is in his mind a lot these past few weeks. He remembers their little conversation about Valentine’s Day, how commercial it is, and how Changkyun wanted to still give it credit. Jooheon remembers that he's really found Changkyun cute, his eyes burning with passion, really involved in his speech, and maybe it’s at that moment that Jooheon’s heart beat faster when looking at his shy friend. Changkyun always seems to keep his thoughts for himself, even if he opens up more than at the beginning of the university year. Hyungwon has told him once that he was happy to see his best friend at ease with him. It has warmed Jooheon and he’s a little proud, it’s true.

 

His feelings evolved quietly and now here he is, on Valentine’s Day, with Changkyun in his mind and his heart fluttering like an highschool student, yet he can’t see his friend. He doesn’t even know if he wants to do something about his feelings. They are new, and maybe it’s just a passing crush. Changkyun is really lovable, it’s easy to fall for his charms, and Jooheon wouldn’t want to ruin their friendship for fleeting feelings. Changkyun deserves better, and maybe in some weeks it’ll be all gone.

 

So Jooheon swallows his thoughts and goes on with his day. It’s rather uneventful, despite some confessions in the hallways and college clubs organizing activities related to the day of love. A bubbly atmosphere takes the entire campus, and it’s not unpleasant.

 

Despite the outrageous advertisements they can cross in the streets, Jooheon can understand why Changkyun still values this day. It’s cute that Changkyun likes it that much, even if he doesn’t have a significant other. He looks a bit like those Disney princesses who believe in love no matter what. After all, what’s wrong in hoping for a charming prince? Jooheon wouldn’t take it from Changkyun. It’s part of his charms. It's a bit unexpected, true, under his neutral expression he usual shows, but when you know him better, it’s obvious he'd be the romantic type, with how his cheeks become rosy when he finds something cute or how his eyes are so soft when he looks at a couple holding hands. It’s so pure, Jooheon didn’t know he would have a friend like him in college, and it’s refreshing.

 

He’s in his last class in the afternoon when his phone vibrate in his pocket. Taking the opportunity to ignore the lecturer’s speech, he checks it. The group chat their little group of friends shares shows a red notification, and the number keeps increasing under his eyes. Curious, he opens it.

 

**Changkyunie:**

 

[credits: I'M here and IMportant fansites]

 

**Puppy Hyukie:** OH???????

 

**Turtlewon:** i will even add: OH???????????

 

**Bunny:** you got a valentine on this holy day, changkyunie????

 

**Kihyun the mom:** the rose is so cute, i’m so jealous (but you're still cuter changkyunie)

 

**Bunny:** share the details! are they cute? what did they say??? and you??

 

**Puppy Hyukie:** changkyun, reply!!!!!! i’m dying of curiosity here!!!

 

 

Jooheon freezes and stops looking at his phone for a moment. So, Changkyun got a rose from someone? Jooheon has never thought of someone liking Changkyun, too. It’s ridiculous that he hasn’t thought of this possibility, because of course, he’s so lovable that it was meant to happen one day.

 

Jooheon suddenly feels really dumb. A bit hurt, too. Is it jealousy that he's feeling right now? The idea of Changkyun accepting the love of someone else should make him happy, because Changkyun deserves it. But Jooheon wants it to be _his_ feelings.

 

Eh, maybe he likes him more than he previously thought. Does it matter though, if someone else already confessed to his friend?

 

Messages keep coming, and he's too curious to ignore them, even if it hurts his selfish mind. He wants to know the story of this rose – by the way, Changkyun is _too precious_ on the pictures he shared.

 

 

**Changkyunie:** lmao

**Changkyunie:** i got no valentine sowwy

 

**Turtlewon:** what?

**Turtlewon:** do you want to give it to someone then???

 

**Puppy Hyukie:** my kyunie is in love and i didn’t know???? what kind of best friend are you not to say anything to me!!!!!

 

 

Someone else liking Changkyun is almost better than Changkyun liking someone, Jooheon bitterly thinks. Oh god, he's an horrible friend. Jooheon feels sick. He didn't know he'd experience it on such a festive day. Who's the lucky one? Changkyun never hinted at having a crush. Or maybe he never told Jooheon he has one, because he doesn't trust him enough. After all, if even Minhyuk and Hyungwon didn't know, why would Jooheon?

 

 

**Changkyunie:** it’s not that hyung!

**Changkyunie:** it’s just the LGBT club from uni was selling some to support them

**Changkyunie:** so i thought why not buying myself one :)

**Changkyunie:** plus, the girl said that it doesn’t change anything being single or not, self love is important  ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

**Changkyunie:** that’s what i think too so i got a pretty rose~

 

**Kihyun the mom:** our precious changkyunie………………

 

**Bunny:** is there someone cuter than our kyunie on earth

**Bunny:** answer: no

 

**Changkyunie:** hyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungs

**Changkyunie:** stop embarrassing me ( ノ_<。) 

**Changkyunie:** oh…

 

**Puppy Hyukie:** is there a problem?

 

**Changkyunie:** i could have buy a rose for each one of you :(

**Changkyunie:** i’m sorry, i only thought of myself

 

**Bunny:** and that’s the story of how the world didn’t deserve Im Changkyun

 

**Kihyun the mom:** KYUNIE WHERE ARE YOU I NEED TO HUG YOU RIGHT NOW WHY SO CUTE

 

**Puppy Hyukie:** COLLECTIVE HUG  <3 <3 <3 <3

 

**Kihyun the mom:** i don’t want to hug you minhyuk

**Kihyun the mom:** i only want to hug my son

**Kihyun the mom:** my one and only kyunie

 

**Puppy Hyukie:** and here i thought valentines day would change your person a bit

**Puppy Hyukie:** yet here you are

**Puppy Hyukie:** refusing a hug from me

**Puppy Hyukie:** so much hate

 

**Turtlewon:** you’re too cute kyunie

**Turtlewon:** it’s okay you didn’t buy us a rose, we don’t mind, you bought one for yourself and it’s more important  <3

 

**Bunny:** am i the only one surprised by hyungwon’s loving words, he’s usually not this expressive

 

**Kihyun the mom:** The Power Of Im Changkyun

 

**Turtlewon:** kyunie is my only love

 

**Changkyunie:** hyuuuuuuung, i love you too but you’re embarrassing ( 〃＞＿＜〃)

 

**Puppy Hyukie:** we got our valentines couple!!!!!

 

 

Changkyun bought this rose for himself, and it's only that simple. Realizing that he got carried away a bit, Jooheon scolds himself internally. He should stop assuming stuff and then doing a big deal of it, for literaly nothing true. He couldn't help it though, and maybe it's another proof that his feelings for Changkyun are stronger than he thought. It destabilizes him; he continues to think of _what if it were true? What if someone else confesses to Changkyun before I can do anything?_ He doesn't really find the idea appealing, and he's lost in his thoughts for the remaining time of his class.

 

He doesn't wait long to go back to his dorm room once classes are over, and when he opens the door, he dramatically falls on his bed, under the curious stare of his roommate, Hyunwoo.

 

“What got you so drama queen?” the older asks.

 

Jooheon pauses two seconds before deciding to tell Hyunwoo everything. He trusts him a lot, and he's almost like an older brother to him. He's mostly quiet – and serious, which makes him a really nice and trustful roommate – and proved a lot of times that his opinion is valuable. Even if they don't find any solutions to whatever Jooheon's problem is, at least, talking will help to clear his mind a bit.

 

Hyunwoo already knows about Changkyun, because it happens that Jooheon talks about him. He's never met him though; and he wasn't aware either that the freshman is giving such a distress to his poor Jooheon. He knows it's Jooheon's type to be dramatic and all over the place, and he's ready to help him as much as he can.

 

Jooheon tells him the discovery of his _tiny-and-not-important_ -crush evolving into _hell-fucking-yeah-big_ -crush- _or-more_ with the events of the day – Changkyun's rose, the messages in the group chat, the realization that Jooheon is slightly jealous of anyone possibly having feelings for his younger friend. He knows it's not _nice_ to feel that way, because he doesn't control Changkyun's feelings and the freshman is the only one to have a word regarding his own love life, but damn, is Jooheon suddenly touchy with this topic.

 

“It's Valentine's Day, for fuck's sake, it's supposed to be an easy and bubbly day, I didn't ask for a whole questioning of my love life,” Jooheon whines in the pillow that he's hugging, pouting at Hyunwoo sitting on his desk chair.

“Well, maybe you needed something triggering to realize what you really want. Also, I'm sure you're aware of it, but love is not easy, Jooheon, you need to take it seriously.”

 

An other whine escapes Jooheon's mouth, and Hyunwoo can't help but find him cute.

 

“You little brat,” he laughs, leaning over to be able to ruffle Jooheon's hair.

“Hyung!”

“You seem really dramatic and sensitive about the issue right now. I would advise that you wait for the next time you see Changkyun, to take the time again to think about your feelings. Maybe it's only a selfish little Jooheon kid who's thinking right now,” he jokes, and then continues more seriously, “that way, it'll surely seem clearer, and you'll find a solution,” he finishes with a sweet smile that makes him look like a seal, _a cute seal_ , “I can help you at that moment, too, of course.”

 

And so Jooheon follows his advice: he decides to wait for the next time he sees Changkyun before thinking further. His evening on Valentine's Day is simple, chinese take-out and Netflix on his laptop.

 

The next day, he'll share a class with Changkyun, and he will see what happens at that moment, right?

 

 

>>\---♥--->

 

 

Changkyun's evening on this Valentine's Day is relaxing: Minhyuk has suggested the three of them watch a cheesy movie together, with greasy pizzas and sodas. It takes less than one second for Hyungwon and him to accept the wonderful plan. Cuddled between his two best friends, Changkyun watches _Kimi ni todoke_ , and while Hyungwon grunts at how Sawako's attitude is weird and how she should speaks louder, Changkyun admires Miura Haruma's look, because damn, that's one good looking actor. His smile lights up his tiny little world.

 

The movie is over before eleven, and they all lazily go to their respective room to finish a late homework or laze around some more. When he goes to tell him good night, Minhyuk coos one last time at Changkyun's rose that he has put on his desk, and gives him a soft smile that Changkyun mirrors.

 

Once in the silence of his room, finally alone after a long day of being surrounded either by other students, either by his best friends, Changkyun tries not to give in in the painful blank growing in his chest.

 

He's tried to distract himself from it since the afternoon. It has worked when he was with Minhyuk and Hyungwon, but now, he's staring at his rose, and he wants to cringe. Feelings he wanted to ignore crawl back up his throat and suffocate him suddenly, because it's always like this with him. His brain is flooded with thoughts he tried so hard to cancel.

 

He feels too tired to fight back, and he's miserable when he faces the reality, laying on his bed.

 

Changkyun hates himself. It's so ironic, to hate himself on this day which celebrates love. But he hates how childish, how jealous and gloomy, how yearning and ugly he is. He's only big words. He remembers his whole speech about love, that he did to Jooheon one day, how wonderful love is but also how you don't have to chase it all your life because you can be happy without it too.

 

_Who am I kidding. I fucking want a Valentine too. I would love for someone to love me. It's so flattering. It must feel so nice. It's so selfish. I am a fucking child._

 

He acted as if everything was fine, trying to ignore how foolish he felt. He's so fake, to only show what he wants people to think of him. Oh, he relished in his friends' compliments on the group chat, it felt so good. At first, he really thought that everything was fine, that he was happy to have bought this rose for himself. He genuinely felt a bit disappointed he didn't think to buy one for each one of his friends. The rose is truly beautiful and Changkyun felt _good_. Until his horrible, horrible thoughts came back, and he drowned in it, because that's apparently all he can do. He's so useless.

 

Honestly, it hurts. He's seen the pity in his classmates' eyes, when they curiously asked him where he got that rose from. It's not the first time and surely not the last, and he remembers the time it was Minhyuk and Hyungwon who gave him that pitying stare. Even if they are his best friends, they are only humans, and sometimes you can't hide well enough what you truly think. Changkyun doesn't hold a grudge against them. He knows he often looks like a kicked puppy and it's so annoying to appear like that.

 

He just wants a little bit of love, not in a friendly way, just to feel... something more. To understand what it is and maybe finds what's lacking in his life. It's so easy to tell himself that being in love will be the answer to everything. But everyone is making so much noise about it, he can't help but feel curious. Why does it seem like everyone got a bit of it, except himself? It's so unfair. He's acting like a child who wants the same game as his classmates, just not to look like a fool. It seems so _easy_ for others. Yet here he is.

 

He's so _fake_.

 

Changkyun swallows and chases his tears away, his arm thrown over his eyes. In the silence of his room, he goes deeper into his thoughts, and there it is, the little box he tries not to think about too much. The little box where you can find memories of Jooheon smiling to him, telling him compliments, offering him a coffee. Jooheon absorbed in a book while waiting for him, spitting fire with his mixtapes, laughing with other students in the hallway.

 

Maybe Changkyun has a crush on Jooheon. No, scratch that, it's _certain_ he has a crush on Jooheon. He doesn't like to admit it to himself, because who is he next to Jooheon, beautiful, funny Jooheon, handsome, charismatic Jooheon, my-rap-is-flawless and my-dimple-are-so-deep Jooheon.

 

He hoped... he hoped something would have happened today. It's dumb, because if he's truly wanted that, he would have done something himself. Would have find Jooheon at the door of his class, and would have asked him if he wanted to go that café together, and would have muster enough courage to tell him, “ _I like you, hyung_ ”.

 

When he sent that picture of the rose he had bought, he maybe has hoped for a reaction. A tiny little bit of a hint of jealousy. _I'm an horrible person_ , he thinks bitterly. Jooheon has replied like everyone else, although later in the afternoon. Only cuteness and genuine care for his friend, so pure like always. And Changkyun hates himself a bit more because he wishes for shameful stuff, and what if people _knows_ about this part of his personality.

 

Changkyun realizes he would be _mortified_ if Jooheon gives him a stare of pity, too.

 

He lays miserably in his bed, thinking and overthinking and not helping his heart to be at ease; because it seems like it's the only thing he's good at, making himself sad and upset.

 

**Author's Note:**

> huuuuuuuh anxious!changkyun is out but don't worry he'll be happy!! ;; (*whisper* after a bit of dramarama in the second part but i said nothing ok?)
> 
> please wait for the second part, thank you for reading my stuff even if i lack confidence, i love you ;; ♥
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/jeolmeoniji) ! :D


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